Story Time
Today, while I was walking Pig to work after lunch, she stopped to poop in some bushes in front of a very expensive fashion designer boutique place. Also, at a fairly busy intersection.
First she pooped green poop, on account of a treat that I gave her. But that's besides the point. The point is that I need to cut my hair. Because she apparently ate a piece of my hair. When she pooped, half of the hair was still stuck in her ass, and the other half hung between her legs, with a large piece of green poop dangling at the end of it. Every time she moved, the poop would swing around. Like a shit pendulum.
Now, Pig is no...pig. She had no intention of walking around Beverly Hills with green poop dangling out of her ass. So, first she tried to poop the rest of the hair out. No luck. Then, in a fit of rage, she collapsed onto the sidewalk and tried to pull it out WITH HER MOUTH. Meanwhile, I was freaking out because that's just totally gross. I had to keep pulling her up so that she couldn't eat her own poop. Then she tried to wipe her butt on the sidewalk, to no avail.
Finally, I gave up, made a makeshift plastic baggie glove, squatted down, and proceeded to try to grab the swinging poop. At last I succeeded, but unfortunately, I could still see the hair stuck in her butt. So then I HAD TO GRAB MY OWN HAIR OUT OF MY DOG'S ASS. Lovely.
Thankfully, I managed to do it, but then I noticed that there was a huge hole in my plastic baggie and I got shit all over my hand. EWWWWWW. So we ran all the way to the nearest garbage can, with me holding the bag of shit as far away from me as possible. I flung the bag into the can, just as the poop came flying out, landing on the side of the can. And because I'm a bad person, I just left if there.
The end.
First she pooped green poop, on account of a treat that I gave her. But that's besides the point. The point is that I need to cut my hair. Because she apparently ate a piece of my hair. When she pooped, half of the hair was still stuck in her ass, and the other half hung between her legs, with a large piece of green poop dangling at the end of it. Every time she moved, the poop would swing around. Like a shit pendulum.
Now, Pig is no...pig. She had no intention of walking around Beverly Hills with green poop dangling out of her ass. So, first she tried to poop the rest of the hair out. No luck. Then, in a fit of rage, she collapsed onto the sidewalk and tried to pull it out WITH HER MOUTH. Meanwhile, I was freaking out because that's just totally gross. I had to keep pulling her up so that she couldn't eat her own poop. Then she tried to wipe her butt on the sidewalk, to no avail.
Finally, I gave up, made a makeshift plastic baggie glove, squatted down, and proceeded to try to grab the swinging poop. At last I succeeded, but unfortunately, I could still see the hair stuck in her butt. So then I HAD TO GRAB MY OWN HAIR OUT OF MY DOG'S ASS. Lovely.
Thankfully, I managed to do it, but then I noticed that there was a huge hole in my plastic baggie and I got shit all over my hand. EWWWWWW. So we ran all the way to the nearest garbage can, with me holding the bag of shit as far away from me as possible. I flung the bag into the can, just as the poop came flying out, landing on the side of the can. And because I'm a bad person, I just left if there.
The end.
posted by S at 5:24 PM
5 Comments:
i'm sorry, i know it is gross, and i know you were freaking out about it at the time (and having read your site before have washed your hands 50 times in scalding hot water which i am sure hurt) but that was hysterically funny.
laughed out loud.
also, when i nannyed and we had the little jack russell, yeah, she ate my hair once and did just about the same thing. it wasn't green poop though. it was regular colored poop.
The funniest thing is that it happened to Max last Friday night. Except he wasn't about to grab swinging poop so he just let Pig throw her tantrum and rub her ass all over the place until she...dislodged the hair. It was probably equally embarassing for Max - traffic was gridlocked so he said he noticed a ton of people watching him!
So yeah. Time for a hair cut. Or more frequent vaccuuming.
Wow. That settled it. I am never getting a dog. Ever.
I guess I'm just really surprised that the same doggie stomach that digests candy wrappers and chicken bones can't digest a piece of hair.
But come to think of it, I don't think she does digest candy wrappers - I never catch her eating them, but I certainly have seen evidence that she has. EWWWWWW.
Thanks for the heads up sis. I was eating dinner when reading this entry. Note to self: never eat dinner when reading sis' blog.
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