Double Poop
My desire to live life on the edge, to gamble with fate, caught up with me today. Had used my one and only plastic bag to pick up the first batch of poop that Pig left on Santa Monica Blvd, right near some restaurants. Unfortunately, she must have eaten some of my hair (again) and as soon as I had thrown the bag of poop away, I saw her squatting there in middle of the sidewalk, trying to get rid of the hair and pendulum of poop dangling from out of her ass. It's not like it was that big, maybe the size of a mini Reeses peanut butter cup. (I have no idea why I'm being this graphic).
Anyway, I was embarassed and flustered, and pulled her along thinking, "GODDAMN THE DOUBLE POOP, I wonder if we can get away with this" when a BITCHY WOMAN stopped me and asked me,
"Are you just going to leave that there???"
And I replied crossly "No, I have to go find a plastic bag now. She double pooped." I probably said this pretty loudly since I had my headphones on and couldn't hear myself very well. She kind of backed away from me, a little sheepish, and I glared at her and continued with,
"You know, I had a bag. I ALREADY PICKED UP HER SHIT ONCE, JUST NOW. SO DON'T GO AROUND JUDGING PEOPLE!!!" And then she sort of hurried away.
What I would have liked to have said to her, in hindsight, was "Are you going to just leave YOUR FACE like that, bitch?" Or even better, "No, I'm going to pick that shit up and rub it on you, bitch."
So I tied Pig to a tree and marched into the nearest store I could find, which was a pharmacy. Unfortunately, I had stepped on a big wad of gum, and proceeded to trail big stringy pieces just inside the pharmacy entrance. I wiped my feet hard on the doormat, spreading even more gum around, and hoped that no one was looking. Unfortunately, as soon as my eyes adjusted to the dimness of the store, I saw the owner/pharmacist glaring at me from the back. Not only had he witnessed the confrontation with the Bitchy Woman, but also the crazed "GODDAMN THIS F-ING GUM" desperately-trying-to-scrape-it-off-my-shoe-and-smear-it-all-over-your-floor-dance that I did. At this point, I lost any nerve I had left to ask for just a plastic bag, and ended up buying the first thing I could think of - Advil.
Incidentally, gum got stuck on Pig's tail too and for a few minutes, I thought she had broken her tail because it stuck out, all erect, very unnaturally. Imagine her head pointing north - her tail stuck out perfectly facing east. Like a big long L. Turns out the gum was bothering her and she finally stopped to nibble it off.
The gum. Not her tail.
Anyway, I was embarassed and flustered, and pulled her along thinking, "GODDAMN THE DOUBLE POOP, I wonder if we can get away with this" when a BITCHY WOMAN stopped me and asked me,
"Are you just going to leave that there???"
And I replied crossly "No, I have to go find a plastic bag now. She double pooped." I probably said this pretty loudly since I had my headphones on and couldn't hear myself very well. She kind of backed away from me, a little sheepish, and I glared at her and continued with,
"You know, I had a bag. I ALREADY PICKED UP HER SHIT ONCE, JUST NOW. SO DON'T GO AROUND JUDGING PEOPLE!!!" And then she sort of hurried away.
What I would have liked to have said to her, in hindsight, was "Are you going to just leave YOUR FACE like that, bitch?" Or even better, "No, I'm going to pick that shit up and rub it on you, bitch."
So I tied Pig to a tree and marched into the nearest store I could find, which was a pharmacy. Unfortunately, I had stepped on a big wad of gum, and proceeded to trail big stringy pieces just inside the pharmacy entrance. I wiped my feet hard on the doormat, spreading even more gum around, and hoped that no one was looking. Unfortunately, as soon as my eyes adjusted to the dimness of the store, I saw the owner/pharmacist glaring at me from the back. Not only had he witnessed the confrontation with the Bitchy Woman, but also the crazed "GODDAMN THIS F-ING GUM" desperately-trying-to-scrape-it-off-my-shoe-and-smear-it-all-over-your-floor-dance that I did. At this point, I lost any nerve I had left to ask for just a plastic bag, and ended up buying the first thing I could think of - Advil.
Incidentally, gum got stuck on Pig's tail too and for a few minutes, I thought she had broken her tail because it stuck out, all erect, very unnaturally. Imagine her head pointing north - her tail stuck out perfectly facing east. Like a big long L. Turns out the gum was bothering her and she finally stopped to nibble it off.
The gum. Not her tail.
posted by S at 3:51 PM
3 Comments:
I am laughing out loud right now.
-aj
I'm sorry - it sounds really sucky but also too funny!
(It also confirms that even though I think dogs are cute, I can never, ever own one.)
I'm sure the dog poop dumping laws are different here (It's actually very unusual to see anyone picking up poop from off the street here) so when I felt I was doing a good civil service by picking up Gus' poop the other day with my handy glove-shaped poop bags I was so stunned when a lady effed me off for dropping the poop in a nearby trash can?!?! I nicely asked her if she'd rather if I left the poop on the side walk for her to step in in my most mind your own business voice. Non-dog people just don't understand. I feel your pain, sister, I feel your pain!!!
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