Last Week's Recap
I'm back!!! And glad to be too. ElliotPreciousPants' wedding was awesome, but Michigan was COLD. Brace yourself for a a long recap...
So I left LA on Tuesday morning. Security was ridiculous - the lines were so long that even though I was trying to get into terminal 1, the end of the line started in front of terminal 2. Some oldish lady asked if she could cut in front of me. She was strange actually - she just came up to me and said "Can I stand here? I'M SO OLD." But she didn't look old at all, so I spent several Seinfeld-esque minutes trying to catch a glimpse of her driver's license. Anyway, the flights were uneventful, I got to Detroit, and we went to dinner at this Chinese restaurant. Went back home, did laundry (I actually packed dirty clothes - gross, I know), and then passed out on the futon.
Woke up Wednesday morning to my mom laughing hysterically at Ellen DeGeneres. Apparently, that's her new favorite show, and after every episode, she calls some random poor relative who happens to pick up, and subjects them to a recap of the show. Luckily, she doesn't do this with me, although every time I call her, she inevitably asks me "Did you catch Ellen today by any chance?" Even though Ellen airs in LA at 4 p.m. and I'm at work (usually). Anyway, Ellen had Tom Hanks on the show, and I guess she named this turkey "Tom" and I woke up to my mom saying to my sister "TOM - SHE NAMED IT TOM - HAHAHAH - GET IT??? TOM HANKS??? TOM TURKEY??? ELLEN'S SO FUNNY" Okay, Mom. Anyway, we were supposed to get up early and go to Cracker Barrel, one of my all time favorite restaurants and go shopping at Birch Run but we just didn't get up early enough. We did make it to Cracker Barrel but then I had to take off to Bay City, to get fitted for my bridesmaid dress. Which I fit into (yay!) but it had to be LET OUT by an inch in the waist (boo). It sort of changed the shape of the dress a bit, since it looked more tree-trunk-ish, but as my mom kindly pointed out, that's the shape of my body so there's not much you can do about it.
After the dress fitting, I headed towards Elliot's parents' house. Unfortunately, a huge snow storm started up and I nearly died - twice. I'm not going to get into it, because it's too morbid, but I really did almost get into two accidents. I also got lost, and it took me nearly two hours to find the house, even though it should have taken me about fifteen minutes. Anyway, I finally got there and hung around until people started to show up for the bachelorette party, which was lots of fun. First, there was the sex toy party. Now if you haven't been to one, it's basically like a Tupperware party, but the woman tries to sell you sex toys instead of containers for leftovers. It was funny and outrageous and we passed around sex toys and taste tested whipcream and flavored massage oils. Then came the strippers. Yes, strippers plural, even though I only ordered one. For some reason, he brought two friends. He was supposed to come as a cop, but apparently he had lent his uniform to a stripper friend, so he came as a fireman instead. Mrs.PreciousPants cooked up a story about there being smoke in the garage, but let me tell you, there was just no way that anyway would have mistaken him for a real fireman. Especially since he didn't have a top on (just the yellow pants and red suspenders). And came in with his radio. Everyone was screaming and laughing as the stripper started. Elliot looked scared and nervous. Fireman Stripper was impressively built and really knew how to shake his ass. At one point, he asked her to lay down on her back and I could tell Elliot was really apprehensive. But it was just a good ploy to get tips - he asked everyone to put dollar bills on her and he'd take them off with his teeth. For the record, Mrs.PreciousPants was the one sticking the dollar bills down Elliot's v-neck top. Anyway, when Fireman Stripper started licking her, I found it necessary to yell "MILD!!! MILD!!!MILD!!!" Clearly Fireman Stripper had not been properly briefed. (I was given the choice of "Mild" or "Wild") Then he started to work the room, and danced with Mrs.PreciousPants and a few other girls. I have a confession to make here. Even though I was totally the one who suggested the stripper, I was terrified of him, and kept hiding from him. In the meantime, one of the other guys, who also was a stripper (I recognized him from the photos), was really getting into the music and said he wanted to dance so we said, go dance and then next thing we knew, he was stripping. Two strippers for the price of one!!! Anyway, this guy was much skankier and gave several girls a real revealing look (Fireman Stripper kept his underwear on). Elliot cracked me up. She didn't want to touch either of them, (apparently she thought that was illegal) so she just kept sticking dollar bills in the "safest" areas she could find - like in the stripper's hair bandana, or right at the side of his waist, far away from any scandalous parts of his body. After the strippers left, we took a limo out to the bars and continued to party. It was tons of fun - although Bay City guys are weird. We made Elliot wear a t-shirt that had a check list of things she had to do, like buy a condom from the men's room, or dance on a table. Anyway, we had the hardest time finding a hot guy who'd do a tequila shot with her. First, we had a hard time finding a hot guy and then even when we found them, they wouldn't do it. One guy said he was afraid I was going to drug him. Yeah, buddy. You wish.
Next day was Thanksgiving. We had a turkey lunch with all the trimmings at my Mom's place, and then I fell asleep watching the Lions, which is a good thing. Went to my dad's afterward, who had prepared an awesome prime rib roast. This thing was good. After dinner, we watched extreme dodgeball and a terrible show called The Glutton Bowl. Watching competitive eating is really not a good thing to do after a nice dinner. But in case anyone was wondering, that crazy hot dog eating Japanese guy beat everyone hands down. I think he ate like 55 brains, compared to the next best guy, who managed to eat about 20. See, gross right? I'm getting nauseous just typing about it.
Woke up late Friday morning. Drove back up to the bridal shop to pick up our dresses and meet up with Elliot. Then we went to the wedding rehearsal, and then the dinner and then went back to the house. We went to bed at around 11, but we stayed up talking so Elliot finally fell asleep at around 1:30 a.m. I, however, didn't fall asleep until 3:45 a.m. so it was pretty brutal when we got up at 7:30 a.m. the next morning...
Saturday morning, we got our hair done. I requested no curls, so the woman put it up in some sort of fancy french twist thing. I looked like a scary Republican 1950's housewife, especially after I put on the pearls I was going to wear. Good lord, it was bad. Luckily, Mrs. PreciousPants had some more appropriate jewelry so I borrowed that instead. Went to the church and got ready. Elliot's dress was awesome. Very princessy - it was very puffy and had a huge train. It took nearly fifteen minutes to get the dress on, so luckily she didn't have to use the restroom very often (she had to take it off before she could go). The ceremony was beautiful and I even Milli Vanilli-ed my way through the hymns. Thank god for all those years of music lessons. We went on a trolley afterwards, stopped at her Uncle's house (he was too sick to go to the ceremony) and then stopped at a bar. Apparently that's a Bay City tradition - stopping at a bar between the ceremony and reception. We had a few drinks and took off for the hall. The reception was tons of fun, the food was great, I was really nervous giving the toast and it's not something I ever want to see on video, but nonetheless, I had a terrific time. I spent the night at the Fairfield Inn. I thought I'd be scared but I was so tired I just passed out and probably could have slept until four the next day. But luckily, I set an alarm, checked out and headed home.
Flight back was uneventful. My dad dropped me off super early, anticipating huge lines at the airport, but it took me only 15 minutes to get my boarding pass and make it through security. Unfortunately, he dropped me off at 4:30 and my flight didn't leave until 7:15, so there was a lot of sitting around.
Anyway, I'm back! Pig is fine but smells - she needs a bath. Max is fine and does not smell but is sick so I'm trying to stay away from him.
Oh and everyone in Bay City thought I was a hooker. The only Asian people in Bay City are the women at the local brothels so that would probably explain why all the men were staring at me.
So I left LA on Tuesday morning. Security was ridiculous - the lines were so long that even though I was trying to get into terminal 1, the end of the line started in front of terminal 2. Some oldish lady asked if she could cut in front of me. She was strange actually - she just came up to me and said "Can I stand here? I'M SO OLD." But she didn't look old at all, so I spent several Seinfeld-esque minutes trying to catch a glimpse of her driver's license. Anyway, the flights were uneventful, I got to Detroit, and we went to dinner at this Chinese restaurant. Went back home, did laundry (I actually packed dirty clothes - gross, I know), and then passed out on the futon.
Woke up Wednesday morning to my mom laughing hysterically at Ellen DeGeneres. Apparently, that's her new favorite show, and after every episode, she calls some random poor relative who happens to pick up, and subjects them to a recap of the show. Luckily, she doesn't do this with me, although every time I call her, she inevitably asks me "Did you catch Ellen today by any chance?" Even though Ellen airs in LA at 4 p.m. and I'm at work (usually). Anyway, Ellen had Tom Hanks on the show, and I guess she named this turkey "Tom" and I woke up to my mom saying to my sister "TOM - SHE NAMED IT TOM - HAHAHAH - GET IT??? TOM HANKS??? TOM TURKEY??? ELLEN'S SO FUNNY" Okay, Mom. Anyway, we were supposed to get up early and go to Cracker Barrel, one of my all time favorite restaurants and go shopping at Birch Run but we just didn't get up early enough. We did make it to Cracker Barrel but then I had to take off to Bay City, to get fitted for my bridesmaid dress. Which I fit into (yay!) but it had to be LET OUT by an inch in the waist (boo). It sort of changed the shape of the dress a bit, since it looked more tree-trunk-ish, but as my mom kindly pointed out, that's the shape of my body so there's not much you can do about it.
After the dress fitting, I headed towards Elliot's parents' house. Unfortunately, a huge snow storm started up and I nearly died - twice. I'm not going to get into it, because it's too morbid, but I really did almost get into two accidents. I also got lost, and it took me nearly two hours to find the house, even though it should have taken me about fifteen minutes. Anyway, I finally got there and hung around until people started to show up for the bachelorette party, which was lots of fun. First, there was the sex toy party. Now if you haven't been to one, it's basically like a Tupperware party, but the woman tries to sell you sex toys instead of containers for leftovers. It was funny and outrageous and we passed around sex toys and taste tested whipcream and flavored massage oils. Then came the strippers. Yes, strippers plural, even though I only ordered one. For some reason, he brought two friends. He was supposed to come as a cop, but apparently he had lent his uniform to a stripper friend, so he came as a fireman instead. Mrs.PreciousPants cooked up a story about there being smoke in the garage, but let me tell you, there was just no way that anyway would have mistaken him for a real fireman. Especially since he didn't have a top on (just the yellow pants and red suspenders). And came in with his radio. Everyone was screaming and laughing as the stripper started. Elliot looked scared and nervous. Fireman Stripper was impressively built and really knew how to shake his ass. At one point, he asked her to lay down on her back and I could tell Elliot was really apprehensive. But it was just a good ploy to get tips - he asked everyone to put dollar bills on her and he'd take them off with his teeth. For the record, Mrs.PreciousPants was the one sticking the dollar bills down Elliot's v-neck top. Anyway, when Fireman Stripper started licking her, I found it necessary to yell "MILD!!! MILD!!!MILD!!!" Clearly Fireman Stripper had not been properly briefed. (I was given the choice of "Mild" or "Wild") Then he started to work the room, and danced with Mrs.PreciousPants and a few other girls. I have a confession to make here. Even though I was totally the one who suggested the stripper, I was terrified of him, and kept hiding from him. In the meantime, one of the other guys, who also was a stripper (I recognized him from the photos), was really getting into the music and said he wanted to dance so we said, go dance and then next thing we knew, he was stripping. Two strippers for the price of one!!! Anyway, this guy was much skankier and gave several girls a real revealing look (Fireman Stripper kept his underwear on). Elliot cracked me up. She didn't want to touch either of them, (apparently she thought that was illegal) so she just kept sticking dollar bills in the "safest" areas she could find - like in the stripper's hair bandana, or right at the side of his waist, far away from any scandalous parts of his body. After the strippers left, we took a limo out to the bars and continued to party. It was tons of fun - although Bay City guys are weird. We made Elliot wear a t-shirt that had a check list of things she had to do, like buy a condom from the men's room, or dance on a table. Anyway, we had the hardest time finding a hot guy who'd do a tequila shot with her. First, we had a hard time finding a hot guy and then even when we found them, they wouldn't do it. One guy said he was afraid I was going to drug him. Yeah, buddy. You wish.
Next day was Thanksgiving. We had a turkey lunch with all the trimmings at my Mom's place, and then I fell asleep watching the Lions, which is a good thing. Went to my dad's afterward, who had prepared an awesome prime rib roast. This thing was good. After dinner, we watched extreme dodgeball and a terrible show called The Glutton Bowl. Watching competitive eating is really not a good thing to do after a nice dinner. But in case anyone was wondering, that crazy hot dog eating Japanese guy beat everyone hands down. I think he ate like 55 brains, compared to the next best guy, who managed to eat about 20. See, gross right? I'm getting nauseous just typing about it.
Woke up late Friday morning. Drove back up to the bridal shop to pick up our dresses and meet up with Elliot. Then we went to the wedding rehearsal, and then the dinner and then went back to the house. We went to bed at around 11, but we stayed up talking so Elliot finally fell asleep at around 1:30 a.m. I, however, didn't fall asleep until 3:45 a.m. so it was pretty brutal when we got up at 7:30 a.m. the next morning...
Saturday morning, we got our hair done. I requested no curls, so the woman put it up in some sort of fancy french twist thing. I looked like a scary Republican 1950's housewife, especially after I put on the pearls I was going to wear. Good lord, it was bad. Luckily, Mrs. PreciousPants had some more appropriate jewelry so I borrowed that instead. Went to the church and got ready. Elliot's dress was awesome. Very princessy - it was very puffy and had a huge train. It took nearly fifteen minutes to get the dress on, so luckily she didn't have to use the restroom very often (she had to take it off before she could go). The ceremony was beautiful and I even Milli Vanilli-ed my way through the hymns. Thank god for all those years of music lessons. We went on a trolley afterwards, stopped at her Uncle's house (he was too sick to go to the ceremony) and then stopped at a bar. Apparently that's a Bay City tradition - stopping at a bar between the ceremony and reception. We had a few drinks and took off for the hall. The reception was tons of fun, the food was great, I was really nervous giving the toast and it's not something I ever want to see on video, but nonetheless, I had a terrific time. I spent the night at the Fairfield Inn. I thought I'd be scared but I was so tired I just passed out and probably could have slept until four the next day. But luckily, I set an alarm, checked out and headed home.
Flight back was uneventful. My dad dropped me off super early, anticipating huge lines at the airport, but it took me only 15 minutes to get my boarding pass and make it through security. Unfortunately, he dropped me off at 4:30 and my flight didn't leave until 7:15, so there was a lot of sitting around.
Anyway, I'm back! Pig is fine but smells - she needs a bath. Max is fine and does not smell but is sick so I'm trying to stay away from him.
Oh and everyone in Bay City thought I was a hooker. The only Asian people in Bay City are the women at the local brothels so that would probably explain why all the men were staring at me.
posted by S at 11:03 AM
2 Comments:
Yay! What a great time! So glad you had fun. And judging by the last line, sounds like you could've picked up a few bucks on the side to boot!
Totally! I think the guys were trying to figure out if they've...um...met me before...
Or maybe they thought I'd offer to give them a manicure, which is apparently the only other career choice for Asian women in Bay City.
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