Mouse House
Ever since I've been back, Pig has been sniffing like crazy right outside my apartment's front door. There are a bunch of carpets and rugs there and she just goes nuts. Squirrel nuts. As in, the way she is when she's tracking squirrels. I was a little nervous about it and it did occur to me that maybe there was a dead mouse underneath all the layers, but I had sort of viciously stomped around and didn't feel anything. Last night, Pig actually tried to dig up the layers of the carpet so I decided to call Kate. I thought maybe she had spilled food there or something? And what she had to tell me nearly kept me up all night.
So this is an edited version of the convo, as far as I can remember, although I was pretty much in a state of panic so if I've gotten this wrong, Kate, feel free to correct me:
S: So, Kate, did you notice if Pig was sniffing around the front door?
K: Oh no. (pause) Oh Sareet. (sighs)
S: What???
K: Dammit, I can't believe she's still sniffing there!
S: What??? What is it???
K: You're not going to like this. You're NOT going to like this. I wasn't going to tell you...
S: Oh my god. What is it? Was there a mouse???
K: Well...
S: OH MY GOD!!! WAS THERE A MOUSE IN HERE??? (scream/squeal - hereinafter "screal") THERE WAS A MOUSE IN HERE!! OH MY GOD (immediately climbing up on the coffee table) WAS THERE A MOUSE IN HERE??? (screal)
K: No...No. It wasn't in the apartment.
S: (SCREAL - into my pajama collar)
K: It happened the day you got here.
S: (SCREAL - into my pajama collar)
K: Pig was acting all crazy up at the top of the stairs on our way back from our walk. I really had to fight to get her back in the apartment.
S: (SCREAL)
K: And then she kept whimpering and crying at the door. She even ran into the kitchen trying to get at it from the other side.
S: (SCREAL)
K: So I finally got her in the bedroom and went out to investigate.
S: Oh my god. (SCREAL)
K: And there was this LUMP. I honestly just thought it was a fold in the carpet.
S: (SCREAL - SCREAL - SCREAL while irrationally stomping my feet on the coffee table and looking to see where I could climb up higher)
K: So I lifted up the carpet....
S: (Whimpery SCREAL)
K: And this large mouse ran out from under the carpets and scampered down the stairs!!!
S: (SCREAL - scrambling to find higher ground) OH MY GOD!!! WHAT IF IT'S IN HERE????
K: No, it left! It was gimpy, like it had a broken leg or something. Maybe I stepped on it.
S: IT COULD HAVE COME BACK!!! OR MAYBE THERE'S A MOUSE HOLE OUTSIDE MY DOOR!! (SCREAL) THERE COULD MORE OUT THERE!!! OR IN HERE!!! MAYBE THERE'S ANOTHER ONE IN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!
K: No. You'd know if one was in there. Pig would go crazy. Besides how would it get in?
S: Under the front door. There's totally space. It could squeeze through. (SCREAL)
K: Nah.
S: Yeah, it could. I know. It could totally fit underneath the door.
K: Nah. (pause) I highly doubt this one could fit underneath the door. (read: It was a gi-normous rat!!!) The thing is, I really don't know how it got there. It's a dumb place for a mouse.
S: Mouse hole. Maybe there's a mouse hole. Maybe there's a mouse outside right now. Oh my god, I'm never leaving the apartment. I can't open my door now.
K: Well when is Max back, maybe he can check for you?
S: Tomorrow. I won't be able to leave to pick him up from the airport either. I can't open my door now.
K: Hmm.... (probably hoping that I'm not suddenly going to ask her to come check the carpets for me now)
S: I know. I'm going to call Manuel. (the apt manager) It's not too late, is it?
K: It's totally not too late.
Incidentally it's totally too late - 8 p.m. - definitely not apartment manager hours...
S: Okay. I can't talk anymore. I have to call Manuel. Right now. Before it gets too late.
So I call Manuel who can't figure out who I am at first but finally says he'll come look. I wait, still standing on the coffee table until I hear a knock. He's there with a flashlight and his daughter. He tells me there's no mouse out there now. I explain but there was one. He says but it's not there now. And I say, maybe there's a mousehole. And he says no, there's no mousehole - see? And there's no mousehole. He says, maybe you saw this little fluff of fur (probably from the dogs and hopefuly not from the mouse) And I say, no, there was definitely a mouse. A large mouse. So he says, no there's no mouse. No droppings. No mouse. See? (Waves flashlight) No droppings. No mouse. Maybe it was a big cockroach? And I say, no it was not a big cockroach, she saw a mouse. He says, confused, who saw a mouse? I tell him my friend saw a large gray mouse. He asks, peering into my apartment and seeing no one, when? And I reply - two days ago. Then it dawns on him that I'm crazy and he's just been called out to look at some carpet where there might have been a mouse...two days ago. So I explain to him that I'm really afraid of mice. And he nods. And he says something about how the rain makes animals come in. And I just tell him, I really hate those pieces of carpet now, can he just pull them away for me? He looks at me like I'm crazy, since really, there's no reason to pull the carpets away (BUT THERE IS - WHAT IF ANOTHER ONE HIDES THERE??? WHAT IF I SEE A "LUMP"???) and also, it's really not his job to, I should just throw the carpets out myself, but instead, (and i think he might have noticed the hysterical pleading look in my eyes) he says something to his daughter in Portugese and she takes them away. And then they say good night and I hear her laughing all the way down the stairs.
So after all that, I had to vaccuum the doorway of the apartment, to get rid of the mouse germs. Then I had to wipe Pig's face with a hot towel...to get rid of the mouse germs. And then I was going to duct tape the little space underneath the door, but was afraid the tape would pull off the paint so instead I lined a large box, two yellow-pages, and terrible hardcover John Grisham novel in the doorway. And then I called Max, left him a hysterical message asking him to call me when he got the message. Which he did. Apparently I woke him up, and he thought I was in trouble or something so he was relieved I was okay but not quite as sympathetic as I hoped he'd be. He pointed out that I myself did not even see a mouse but only heard about someone seeing a mouse, but he said he would look at doorway when he got back and would make it somehow un-enterable for mice.
Oh, the horror....the horror....
So this is an edited version of the convo, as far as I can remember, although I was pretty much in a state of panic so if I've gotten this wrong, Kate, feel free to correct me:
S: So, Kate, did you notice if Pig was sniffing around the front door?
K: Oh no. (pause) Oh Sareet. (sighs)
S: What???
K: Dammit, I can't believe she's still sniffing there!
S: What??? What is it???
K: You're not going to like this. You're NOT going to like this. I wasn't going to tell you...
S: Oh my god. What is it? Was there a mouse???
K: Well...
S: OH MY GOD!!! WAS THERE A MOUSE IN HERE??? (scream/squeal - hereinafter "screal") THERE WAS A MOUSE IN HERE!! OH MY GOD (immediately climbing up on the coffee table) WAS THERE A MOUSE IN HERE??? (screal)
K: No...No. It wasn't in the apartment.
S: (SCREAL - into my pajama collar)
K: It happened the day you got here.
S: (SCREAL - into my pajama collar)
K: Pig was acting all crazy up at the top of the stairs on our way back from our walk. I really had to fight to get her back in the apartment.
S: (SCREAL)
K: And then she kept whimpering and crying at the door. She even ran into the kitchen trying to get at it from the other side.
S: (SCREAL)
K: So I finally got her in the bedroom and went out to investigate.
S: Oh my god. (SCREAL)
K: And there was this LUMP. I honestly just thought it was a fold in the carpet.
S: (SCREAL - SCREAL - SCREAL while irrationally stomping my feet on the coffee table and looking to see where I could climb up higher)
K: So I lifted up the carpet....
S: (Whimpery SCREAL)
K: And this large mouse ran out from under the carpets and scampered down the stairs!!!
S: (SCREAL - scrambling to find higher ground) OH MY GOD!!! WHAT IF IT'S IN HERE????
K: No, it left! It was gimpy, like it had a broken leg or something. Maybe I stepped on it.
S: IT COULD HAVE COME BACK!!! OR MAYBE THERE'S A MOUSE HOLE OUTSIDE MY DOOR!! (SCREAL) THERE COULD MORE OUT THERE!!! OR IN HERE!!! MAYBE THERE'S ANOTHER ONE IN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!
K: No. You'd know if one was in there. Pig would go crazy. Besides how would it get in?
S: Under the front door. There's totally space. It could squeeze through. (SCREAL)
K: Nah.
S: Yeah, it could. I know. It could totally fit underneath the door.
K: Nah. (pause) I highly doubt this one could fit underneath the door. (read: It was a gi-normous rat!!!) The thing is, I really don't know how it got there. It's a dumb place for a mouse.
S: Mouse hole. Maybe there's a mouse hole. Maybe there's a mouse outside right now. Oh my god, I'm never leaving the apartment. I can't open my door now.
K: Well when is Max back, maybe he can check for you?
S: Tomorrow. I won't be able to leave to pick him up from the airport either. I can't open my door now.
K: Hmm.... (probably hoping that I'm not suddenly going to ask her to come check the carpets for me now)
S: I know. I'm going to call Manuel. (the apt manager) It's not too late, is it?
K: It's totally not too late.
Incidentally it's totally too late - 8 p.m. - definitely not apartment manager hours...
S: Okay. I can't talk anymore. I have to call Manuel. Right now. Before it gets too late.
So I call Manuel who can't figure out who I am at first but finally says he'll come look. I wait, still standing on the coffee table until I hear a knock. He's there with a flashlight and his daughter. He tells me there's no mouse out there now. I explain but there was one. He says but it's not there now. And I say, maybe there's a mousehole. And he says no, there's no mousehole - see? And there's no mousehole. He says, maybe you saw this little fluff of fur (probably from the dogs and hopefuly not from the mouse) And I say, no, there was definitely a mouse. A large mouse. So he says, no there's no mouse. No droppings. No mouse. See? (Waves flashlight) No droppings. No mouse. Maybe it was a big cockroach? And I say, no it was not a big cockroach, she saw a mouse. He says, confused, who saw a mouse? I tell him my friend saw a large gray mouse. He asks, peering into my apartment and seeing no one, when? And I reply - two days ago. Then it dawns on him that I'm crazy and he's just been called out to look at some carpet where there might have been a mouse...two days ago. So I explain to him that I'm really afraid of mice. And he nods. And he says something about how the rain makes animals come in. And I just tell him, I really hate those pieces of carpet now, can he just pull them away for me? He looks at me like I'm crazy, since really, there's no reason to pull the carpets away (BUT THERE IS - WHAT IF ANOTHER ONE HIDES THERE??? WHAT IF I SEE A "LUMP"???) and also, it's really not his job to, I should just throw the carpets out myself, but instead, (and i think he might have noticed the hysterical pleading look in my eyes) he says something to his daughter in Portugese and she takes them away. And then they say good night and I hear her laughing all the way down the stairs.
So after all that, I had to vaccuum the doorway of the apartment, to get rid of the mouse germs. Then I had to wipe Pig's face with a hot towel...to get rid of the mouse germs. And then I was going to duct tape the little space underneath the door, but was afraid the tape would pull off the paint so instead I lined a large box, two yellow-pages, and terrible hardcover John Grisham novel in the doorway. And then I called Max, left him a hysterical message asking him to call me when he got the message. Which he did. Apparently I woke him up, and he thought I was in trouble or something so he was relieved I was okay but not quite as sympathetic as I hoped he'd be. He pointed out that I myself did not even see a mouse but only heard about someone seeing a mouse, but he said he would look at doorway when he got back and would make it somehow un-enterable for mice.
Oh, the horror....the horror....
posted by S at 10:53 AM
11 Comments:
oh my god that is the funniest thing i have read in a long time...
and what is funniest is that i too would be completely hysterical. i get hysterical when i think there is a mouse anywhere near getting into my apt. and am terrified of them too!!!
i stumbled upon your blog. i so am right there with you.
kate
www.nannyk8reallife.blogspot.com
i've added you to my list of blogs i read, i was reading some of your archives... you are very entertaining and truly, you do have a lot to say and you say it well. :) hope you don't mind.
kate
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Omigod. And I thought the toilet seat cover story was hysterical. (That was not mocking laughter, but laughter borne out of friendship and brotherly love.) However, I don't worry you'll go "Howard Hughes" as I know you'd never let your hair or nails get that long.
kate g -
OF COURSE I DON'T MIND!!! Thanks so much for reading and posting such nice comments. :) You're like the first random blog reader comment poster I've had in months!!! I haven't had a chance to check out your blog but I totally will.
I am way way way scared of rodents. I could easily post well over twenty ridiculous rodent related stories so I'm glad to hear someone else is scared of at least mice too. One time, I was in a computer training class and the teacher said something about a mouse being on the floor and I freaked out and climbed up on my desk only to realize, that he meant a computer mouse...obviously. Very embarassing.
oh sis, after reading your horror story it made me soo ichy all over. Just thinking about the dirty mouse crawling around....ewww. As if psoriasis wasn't bad enough, now I have this awful image of a dirty mouse crawling around.
LypstykGirl - Yeah...I've been really crazy lately. Maybe I have hard time adjusting to time zone changes???
So Max says he's going to lay down weather stripping in the doorway so I don't have to worry about mice. Yay!
I cried laughing at the toilet seat story - and now this! It just gets better and better. Oh, I guess that's pretty insensitive of me. But your pain and anguish, it's just so FUNNY to the rest of us! Please experience more of that! ; )
Sorry. Now that you have so many loyal readers, you MUST tell the "hood of the car" story. You know the one.
Yes, yes! I vote for the car hood story too!
I totally know how you feel--we had a BAT in our apartment one night...TOTALLY scary--I was going to sleep and all of a sudden I saw it flying around our ceiling! Aggh!! I still have panic thoughts about it when I see something out of the corner of my eye--my frist instinct is "BAT"! Jesus. Kevin and I didn't sleep much that night. He lost sleep because I kept him up squealing when I thought the bat was back.
I also vote to hear the hood of the car story, although I don't know what it is, I want to know. Sorry about your mouse--I can imagine that did in fact scare the crap out of you--how did you get out of your apartment for work the next morning??
Oh my god - that bat thing sounds AWFUL!! I remember one of my college roommates telling a story about her aunt or something, who got bit by a bat while she was sleeping. How did the bat get indoors?
Once the carpets were pulled away, I felt much better, but before I opened the door the next morning, I knocked from the inside (yes...I did) to try to scare away anythinG that might be outside. So I managed to leave the apartment.
Sis - yes, the whole thing made me itchy too!! Yuck. I mean seriously, what if it had made it inside the apartment, before Kate came back???
deathly afraid of rats as well. squirrels don't bother me, neither do chipmunks, chinchilas, rabbits, gophers, or guinea pigs. but rats and mice absolutely terrify me. ACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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