An Anti-Stranger List
Julia gets hugged by random strangers. A lot. We've talked about why this happens to her so often. I think she just comes off very outgoing, open, and approachable - that's just her personality. I explained to her that there are little signals and things to do to avoid getting hugged by the garbageman, homeless guy, strange old lady, creepy-lascivious-old-guy, etc. I came up with a list. Now for starters, I totally admit that I'm paranoid and scared of strangers. This is undoubtedly from all the horror stories that my mom told me when I was younger - stories like the ones about the "wu-joe-bock-bock" translated loosily to mean "Uncle Filthy" (not in a familial way, you just call your elders "uncle" and "aunt" to show respect), who kidnapped children off the streets of Hong Kong, made them beggar slaves, and chopped off their fingers if they didn't bring back enough money at the end of the day. She used to point out homeless men and whisper to me that if I wasn't a good girl, she'd give me away to the "wu-joe-bock-bock" down the street. Did I mention I have an irrational fear of the homeless? Also a "good girl" complex? Other children had nightmares about monsters and ghosts - I had nightmares about guys holding "will work for food" signs.
Anyway, here were a few things I came up with to avoid contact with strangers:
1.) Don't make eye contact! This is the most basic one, which in theory should ward off about 95% of strangers.
2.) If you accidentally make eye contact, look away immediately, and for the love of god, don't smile!
3.) If you feel like you have to acknowledge them, a curt nod is generally enough.
4.) If you haven't followed 1-3, and you're stuck talking to them, pretend you're very very busy and have to go somewhere. Look at your watch. Frown. Answer in one syllable words. Do an obvious fake-tight-polite smile that quickly fades away as if to say "I'm smiling only to be polite, but you're annoying me and I've got to go!"
5.) If they try to hug you, insist that you have a cold. Fake a sneeze if necessary. Say "I hab a vewwy stubby noz!"
6.) If you still haven't gotten out of hugging them, at least make the hug as terrible as possible so they won't try it again. Accidentally elbow them in the ribs, pull their hair, step on their toes, cough in their face.
Luckily, by carefully following rules 1-5, I've never had to get to six!
Anyway, here were a few things I came up with to avoid contact with strangers:
1.) Don't make eye contact! This is the most basic one, which in theory should ward off about 95% of strangers.
2.) If you accidentally make eye contact, look away immediately, and for the love of god, don't smile!
3.) If you feel like you have to acknowledge them, a curt nod is generally enough.
4.) If you haven't followed 1-3, and you're stuck talking to them, pretend you're very very busy and have to go somewhere. Look at your watch. Frown. Answer in one syllable words. Do an obvious fake-tight-polite smile that quickly fades away as if to say "I'm smiling only to be polite, but you're annoying me and I've got to go!"
5.) If they try to hug you, insist that you have a cold. Fake a sneeze if necessary. Say "I hab a vewwy stubby noz!"
6.) If you still haven't gotten out of hugging them, at least make the hug as terrible as possible so they won't try it again. Accidentally elbow them in the ribs, pull their hair, step on their toes, cough in their face.
Luckily, by carefully following rules 1-5, I've never had to get to six!
posted by S at 2:20 PM
4 Comments:
HaHaHa!!! This blog is way too funny. :)
Never in my life has a stranger tried to hug me. I think that is absolutely horrifying. How is that a common occurrence for you guys? I must be following the rules especially well, except to add that I would RUN AWAY if anyone attempted an actual hug.
Yes, I think RUN AWAY is a good rule to follow. In theory you could just act crazy as well - isn't that one of the methods to scare away a potential rapist? Laugh maniacally and poop on the sidewalk?
It's not really a common occurrence for me. I only had that one bad episode with the garbageman. I think it happens pretty often to Julia though!
I am a dirty man magnet. though lately, it seems i'm getting my fair share of women as well. The problem is I need to find a balance between being cold and unapproachable, and being huggable by strangers. Let me tell you, it's a very, very hard balance. I had some guy at the mall who was trying to talk to me basically say that he thought I seemed nice but it turns out I'm a bitch. The, "I just didn't want you to hug me!" exclamation wouldn't have reversed the damage.
But thanks for the list, sareet. I've decided that when someone wants to hug, I'm going to punch them and tell them i've got a rare form of physical tourette's.
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