Pig Concerns

Well, I am a little worried about Pig. Yesterday morning, while we were playing fetch she suddenly made this little squeal/yelp sound and immediately stopped playing. Later, she was on the couch and when I tried to move her, rather than making her usual groaning noise, she gave a little yelp. But she was walking fine so I took her to the dog park. On our way back, she was so tired (so I assumed) that she couldn't make it all the way up the stairs. I thought she'd be okay today, but after our walk she stopped in middle of the stairs and just panted. Clearly, she's couldn't make it up the stairs and she's hurt, but I just don't know where. She's not limping or anything, although she didn't walk a straight line up the stairs - she walked sort of diagonally. I ended up carrying her up the rest of the stairs, which is quite a feat for me, considering she weighs more than half of what I weigh. Just called the vet - they said they can't do anything for her without me bringing her in so I'm supposed to just watch her for the next few days. I really hope she's okay :(

Weekend Recap

Another lovely weekend. Friday night we went over to Amol's to play poker. Alas, neither of us were able to contribute to our Super Bowl Sunday Popeye's Chicken Feast Fund. I went out fourth place in the first tournament, and somewhere towards the beginning in the second but it was a fun night all in all. I can't remember where Max went out, but he didn't win. Max, Amol and I went to Denny's afterwards where I inhaled a plate of corned beef hash, thereby negating all my exercising efforts for the week. Okay, fine, the efforts were limited but still...

Saturday was uneventful as well. Max was hung over from the alcohol, and I was hung over from the corned beef hash so basically we laid around for awhile. We tried to watch A DAY WITHOUT A MEXICAN - "tried" being the key word here. Blech. I decided the only way to get over my corned beef hash hangover was to eat MORE meat so we ended up at this BBQ restaurant at the Grove for dinner. Max and I shared an 11 oz prime rib, a rack of ribs, a whole tri-tip thing, and about four sides. Yet another meal I instantly regretted. We were going to catch the 10:55 screening of SIDEWAYS but as I am an Ancient Old Lady and can't stay up past 11 p.m. unless I'm playing poker, we had to go home. Also, had lapsed into massive food coma and practically fell asleep in the car on the drive home.

Sunday morning I woke up at eleven to Pig clubbing me on the head with her little spotted fists of fury. I felt immediately guilty for not taking her out sooner so I decided to make it up to her. Called up Thode to see if Punk (her dog) would like to have a play date with Pig at the local dog/hiking park. Punk agreed and came over and Pig and Punk had a great time hiking while Thode and I struggled to keep up. Actually, Thode was doing fine, I was the one who was really having difficulties, especially going down hill. See, the slope is very steep, and I really thought I might slide down and die and that would be such a pity. Dying in the midst of all that dog shit is really not the way I want to go.

Max and I finally did catch SIDEWAYS last night - what a great movie. Actually made me want to try to drink finer wine so maybe it's time to give up the two buck chuck.

So that's that. That was my weekend. The only other good news is that Pig's thyroid tests came back fine. Which means she does have to stay on the thyroid pills, but that they're obviously working. So yay - another $30 a month to add to the Pig column...

Oh yeah...

by the way, it's happening. I saw a SIDE PONYTAIL at the movie theater last night. No one else seems to be concerned, but I, for one, am highly concerned that this is the beginning of an epidemic.

Today's Goals

My Goals Today:

1.) Catch up on work and clear off the eight hundred pieces of paper sitting on my desk
2.) Fold said eight hundred pieces of paper into one large, gigantic, swan-shaped origami sailboat
3.) Sail away with Pig to a remote tropical island full of gorgeous native guys who will worship me and hail me as their new chief-tess/goddess

I'll send you all a postcard when I get there. Check your local ocean for floating bottles.

Scandal in Orange County

Scandalous episode of the O.C. last night. No, I'm not talking about the potential love affair between Scary Skinny & Lesbian Skinny. I'm talking about SIDE PONYTAILS!

For the love of god, please don't tell me SIDE PONYTAILS are in again...

My mom never let me wear a side ponytail when I was younger. For good reason, apparently. For a reason that I can appreciate, now that I'm older.

BECAUSE. SIDE PONYTAILS. ARE. UGLY.

Pig's Worst Day

Oh poor Pig. Bad bad day for her.

It's raining - Can't go out for a walk.
Has to come to the office with me - she hates my office (who could blame her??)
Has to go to the vet - she HATES the vet and tries to run away when we get to the door
Has to get her blood drawn at the vet - Top of the list of things she hates, right below giving a urine or stool sample (b/c she really doesn't "give" one - they just "take" one from her...yeah, think about it....or don't)

Really, it'd be a bad morning for anyone. Plus I'm playing poker tonight, which means she has to stay home by herself.

Super Bowl Sunday

So Max and I have decided that all miscellaneous money (found under couch, in dirty pants pocket, etc.) and poker winnings, if any, are going towards our Super Bowl Sunday Popeye's Fried Chicken Feast. So we went to Coin Star yesterday and guess what kids?

There's gonna be corn-on-the-cob AND biscuits on Sunday.

Tax Day

Went and saw my accountant today. Referred to me by Julia, who had warned me that he loves Asian women and would try to hug me - a lot. I feel totally inferior to her now cuz I've used him two years in a row, and no hug for me. Not even an attempt. What gives??? Am I not a woman? Am I not Asian??? Maybe I just don't look huggable. :(

So I do get a bit of a federal refund, which is nice, but I have to pay more to the state. Boo. Apparently neither booze, Pig nor poker are tax-deductible.

Tail Action Last Night

Took AJ to Gladstone's in Malibu last night. I love that place, because you can throw your peanut shells on the floor and no one will yell at you. Max and I shared the two person clambake, which came with shrimp, clams, a lobster, crab legs, corn on the cob and potatoes. Yum! Should have been a healthy-ish meal except for the stick of melted butter I ate with it. Anyway, when the server first brought us our platter I noticed immediately that it was missing the lobster tail. Hmmm. Two claws, a head, a body...but no tail. I don't know about you, but when I order something that comes with a lobster, I expect a tail. So I flagged our server down, pointed out the missing tail and he went back into the kitchen, only to return empty handed. He said apparently the clambake didn't come with a tail - that's how they kept it "affordable." I was a little insulted by this, because it seemed like he was implying I was cheap and I didn't think $65 was particularly "cheap" (even though it's for two people, so it's really only $32.50 per person which isn't too bad) but mostly I was irritated - really, they should mention that the 1 1/2 lb lobster they list on the menu would come tail-less. So the server offered to bring the manager over and at first I wasn't going to make a fuss, but then I was like, no, I'd really like to hear him explain to me how they can justify serving a whole lobster without the tail. But then the server came back with the tail and apparently it was a misunderstanding and the chef thought I wanted a tail in addition to the tail that should come with the lobster and voila, here's our tail. Of course my first thought was - Is this even my tail? Where has this tail been? Has it just been sitting around, hanging out in the kitchen, waiting for someone to pick it up? But tail is tail and I wasn't going to turn it down. Anyway, the manager did come over to apologize and explain that yes, absolutely, the lobster comes with a tail in the clambake and that it was all a misunderstanding. Really, I should have tried to get a free dessert out of him for all the inconvenience, but I was feeling so lovely after my bloody mary that I decided to let it go. Oohhh just had an evil thought. Next time, I'm going to hide my tail as soon as the server turns around and get another one from him.

Weekend Recap

Yay Patriots!!

So Max and I have decided to throw a Super Bowl Party, now that we know it's definitely Philly vs. New England. Whoever loses has to be the other's bitch for a day, so there's a lot on the line here. I pointed out to Max that it's "bitch for a day, WITHIN REASON" so no, he can't shave my head. There's definitely got to be some veto power with this. I'm a little nervous about having people over again, on account of the Nasty New Neighbor who's very sensitive to Noise (hereinafter N to the 4th degree) but I figure the cops aren't really going to come out on Super Bowl Sunday right? At least not during the game. Max and I haven't worked out all the details but we're definitely providing Popeye's Fried Chicken. Hmmm....Popeye's. I could write pages about how much I love Popeye's. Especially the spicy kind.

Anyway, had a good weekend. Poker at Amol's on Friday. I went out somewhere in the middle during the first game, and came in third in the second so all in all it was good. We were out really late though so I was exhausted Saturday. We just basically laid around and watched tv. Saturday night we took AJ to Grand Lux Cafe. I love the food there but I just don't get why they have to play such crappy music. Seriously, the music there is generally a total deterrent for me. It's this light soft elevator jazz crap - the kind they play at Sears, as AJ pointed out. Afterwards, we went to Formosa and hung out there for a bit.

Sunday was really all about napping in front of the tv while football was on. Oh I did watch a movie called Laurel Canyon in the morning. Not a very good movie, but Frances McDormand is awesome in it and good god almighty - Christian Bale and this guy Alessandro Nivola are so so so so sexy in it. Ladies - rent this, if only for the eye candy.

So if weren't for the fact that I've been totally debaucherous and gluttonous this week, I'd think that I have mono. Seriously need to start living the healthy life again. This whole barely-sleeping-and-partying thing is really taking a toll on my aging body...especially around the waistline. Dude, I've actually gotten too fat for my watch. The watch I got during Christmas. CHRISTMAS, people. That was just last month. And the only pants I can fit into are the ones that used to be too loose. Too loose Lautrec!! (random thing I always think of when I hear the words "too loose")

Football Bet

A correction to make on the football bet. Should neither NE nor Philly make it to the Superbowl, we're actually tied, so we'd have to come up with another deciding bet.

Max and I have had numerous discussions about whether New England will beat Pittsburgh on Sunday. Obviously, I think New England will - Tom Brady has won all the playoff games he's ever played, NE was missing Corey Dillon when Pittsburgh beat them earlier this season, they have way more playoff experience, Ben Rothlissberger is a rookie...and Tom Brady's hot. Yeah, that counts for something, doesn't it? Unfortunately for me, I think that New England will have a harder time beating Pittsburgh than Philly will have beating Atlanta. See, if NE doesn't win, I really need Philly to lose, but I just don't think that's very likely. Cross your fingers for me people.

Poop Talk on a Friday Afternoon

Apologizing for the juvenile post in advance...

but sometimes I have this terrible urge to fling a bag of Pig's poop into the open windows of the cars or the apartments we walk by. I can't explain why but I'll spot, say, a balcony, and somehow the word "catapult" comes to mind and the next thing I know, I'm thinking, "I wonder if I could make it from here!"

Links

AHHH FINALLY!!! Yay!!! I have figured out, or rather, Julia has figured out, how to add links to my blog. Thanks Julia!!!

Slurp...Slurp...Slurp

So late last night, as I was drifting off to sleep (the reading went pretty late)...

Max: I think someone's in your pool!
Me: No. (beat) My dog is licking herself.
(long pause as we both listen intently)
Pig: Slurp...slurp...slurp....
(we burst out laughing)

A few minutes later...

Max: No, seriously, I think someone's in your pool! I just heard a splash.
Me: No. MY DOG. IS LICKING. HERSELF.
(Max listens intently. Then gets up to look out the window. Gets back in bed)

Me: So?
Max: No one's there.
Pig: SLURP...SLURP...SLURP... GURGLE...SWALLOW...SLURP...SLURP...SLURP...

My dog makes gross sounds.

Poker in the Rear

Good game last night. I didn't fall asleep and managed to place second, so I'm pretty happy about that. $35 - Whoo hoo! We actually didn't technically play to the end of the game, but Ian (who was the chip leader) and I were happy to make some sort of arrangement to divvy up the pot, rather than to continue playing. Which was good - cuz I was exhausted. I had a good time though. Playing against Jake, who is like a "Poker Yoda" - "Pokoda" - is very fun and useful. I learn lots from him, although usually after a few glasses of wine, I've forgotten all his helpful tips. But he's very patient, even though he has to explain things to me over and over again, so that's good. I suspect he's beginning to think I may have a learning disability though....

Wow - can I use the word "good" one more time? Sheesh. Too tired to even go back and exchange it for words like "terrific" and "great."

Am still so sleepy today. I slept in ridiculously late, and made some excuse about having a breakfast meeting. You would think that someone would have caught on when I had breakfast delivered from the cafe next door as soon as I got in mid-morning, but I don't think anyone noticed. Anyway, my week continues. Tonight we have Dan's script reading. Tomorrow, I think there is another poker game at Amol's. We're taking AJ out Saturday night, because he'll be all done with his clarinet audition, so I don't think I'll be able to rest until Sunday.

Maybe I'll just lock the door and take a little nap now in my office...

Tuesday

I'm so tired. (*yawn*) I'm going to be tired for the rest of the week. Fun night, last night. Max, AJ and I started at El Coyote, which is one of my favorite Mexican restaurants. The kitschy decor makes up for the crappy food. They've got some really ugly things hanging around, and some really ugly uniforms for the waitresses. I love it. It's actually a great first date place, in my opinion. Great first date places are places where there are things to look at, instead of your date, if your date sucks. When all else fails, contemplate the walls. And they have goodish margaritas, which also come in handy, if your date sucks. Hmmm...margaritas. Anyway, afterwards, we headed to Boardwalk for AD's birthday bash. It's the first time I've been there in a few months and hey - it was cool! Imagine that. When you take a break from a place and then go back - you remember why you liked it in the first place! I didn't karaoke, and luckily, AD didn't decide to make me, so it all worked out well. Max and AJ (all these damn initials!) came over afterwards and hung out for a while. I went to bed pretty late so today I feel like crap.

Poker tonight at Jessie's. The subject line in her e-mail invite was "poker in the rear." Funny. Should be a good game - I'd like to think I can win, but I think I'm just going to concentrate on not falling asleep.

Xmas presents two years ago. (see below) I did stick it in a nice little frame, so technically that was the gift.

Back-handed Compliment

So today I walked into the office and the very first thing that this much older co-worker says to me is, "Wow, your hair looks great...what'd you do to it? Wash it???"

Wash it???? WASH IT???? Listen, buddy, I wash my hair every day...or close to it.

Guess who's not getting a picture of Pig next year for Xmas.

Weekend Recap

GOOOOOOOOOO NEW ENGLAND!!!!

I told Max that if I win the football bet, I'm having Wimmin's Poker night at my place and I'm going to make him dress up like a wifey and have him serve us hors d'oeuvres and martinis. And I'm going to make him sit by my side as I play and insist that he laughs at all my jokes. And I might slap his ass if he's slow.

Lord, please please please let me win.

So here's the breakdown:

-If the Superbowl is Philly vs. New England, and New England wins, I win. If NE loses, I lose.
-If Philly does not make it into the Superbowl, regardless of whether NE makes it to the Superbowl, I win.

So as you all watch the games (or not) bear in mind that Max's dignity and total sense of manhood is on the line. And really, let's not get into what will happen if I lose because truthfully I'm totally terrified and can't even bear to think of it.

On to the recap...

So this weekend was an excellent 3 day weekend. Perfect blend of fun activities and lounging in front of the tv. See I need the fun activities to make the weekend exciting, but I also need the lounging to make the weekend feel long. Friday night started with a big ten person game of poker. I went out somewhere in middle and Kate won the whole pot!!! How awesome is that? She's barely played and she went home with a hundred bucks. Saturday was a lounging day. Football, Harold & Kumar, and Stepford Wives, in that order. Sunday was pretty much a lounging day as well. I napped through Dodgeball (blech) and caught one of my all time favorite movies - 12 Angry Men - on AMC. Sunday night, we went over to Julia's to watch the Golden Globes and play the Golden Globes drinking game. (on a side note - when is one too old to play drinking games???) Rules included drink when:

-someone thanks their agent, manager or lawyer
-you see a nipple
-presenter makes a lame joke
-any mention of tsunami
-a recipient is drunk
-a recipient cries

There were other ones, but I can't remember. Lots of people thanked their agents/managers/lawyers. Mariska Whatever from L&O SVU and Lisa Ling were nipply. Jim Carrey killed us on the lame jokes - one after another! Leo did us service by mention tsunami. Shatner, Glenn Close, and Lisa Marie Pressley were clearly under the influence of something. And Jamie Foxx pretty much cried. Needless to say, it was fun.

Hmm....can't seem to remember what I did yesterday. Knowing me I watched a lot of tv - OH OF COURSE!!! I forgot. X-Files marathon on TNT. That took up most of the day. Oh and Max and I did five loads of laundry, so that too took up most of the day. FIVE LOADS. Can you believe it? We spent the rest of the day tidying up. His friend AJ is coming into town tonight and staying for a week. I'm pretty excited because AJ is...frankly...awesome. Really nice guy who gets himself into the most ridiculous and hysterical situations. The stories are endless, and when you hear them all you can say is "NO???" "Really?" "I don't believe it!" "Who'd do something like that??!!!" Anyway, he's in town for a clarinet audition and will be staying at Max's apartment.

Coolest thing of the weekend - apparently this black cardigan sweater, the kind that goes with everything, which I thought was stolen from my office nearly a year ago (although, really, so not worth stealing) was actually at Julia's!

Reunited and it feels so good.....

3 Day Weekend Friday

I get Monday off. Yay! 3 day weekend!!!

Too bad I don't have any real weekend plans. Nothing besides football. Go New England!!!

Chantico

Okay, I've heard a lot about this Chantico business at Starbucks so I finally went and checked it out myself. And I must say, the very first sip is amazingly delicious. Wowie. But for me personally, it wins the "Drink with Greatest Diminishing Returns" award. Just way way way too rich for my taste. By the time I got to my tenth sip, it actually made me shudder. I like my chocolate syrup drizzled on icecream, not served hot in a mug.

Also, no one knows how to pronounce it. At least none of the employees at the Starbucks I went to. See, one of my pet peeves is the trend in naming products to sound fancy. So I boycott them. Boycotted items include:

Garnier Nutrisse
Yoplait Nouriche
Olay Regenerist

Hmm...

I've noticed most of my posts are about Pig and rodents. Or about TV. Or about poker. Or Agatha Raisin.

So sad.

Tomorrow, I will blog about global economics.

Pricey Pig

So, why is that when I say to people "Having a dog is really expensive" they respond with "Yeah, having a kid is EVEN MORE expensive?"... That's like me saying "I'd like to live in an apartment in West Hollywood" and someone saying "There is a 3 bedroom house for sale in Las Vegas." Totally unrelated, in my opinion.

Got my credit card bill for December the other day. Had to have a long talk with Pig about her spending habits. Apparently, the little brat stole my credit card and went on multiple shopping sprees at the local pet stores! Every fifth line item on my bill is either from Petco or Centinella & Feed Pet Supply Store! Sure, it was bag of cookies here, and a new collar there, but she ran up over $200 on my card last month! I pointed out that doesn't even include her vet bills, which was another $200. I told her she needed to march herself right on down to the stores and return the stuff she bought but she told me she had eaten it all. Great. A compulsive binge-eater and shopaholic.

Dogs, today, man...

Hump Day

BRAD & JEN BROKE UP????? WHEN WAS SOMEONE GONNA TELL ME??? GOOD THING THERE'S AN ARTICLE ABOUT IN ON CNN.COM!!!

Pied Piper of the La Brea Tar Pits

Well...since we've been on the subject...I have another bad rat story. This one even freaked out Max, who was with me when it happened. I'm not going to pretend that you loyal readers (all four of you! half of whom are related to me!!!) are actually interested, but I'm going to post it anyway. You should be informed.

So one day, I dragged poor Max to the La Brea Tar Pits, just to walk around and get some exercise. If you've never been there before, don't bother because it is incredibly disappointing. The first time I went, I figured there'd be great big vats of tar and lots of fossils. No. There is a pond of tar, and some terribly unprofessional models of mammoths - made not to scale, so what's the point really? Anyway, it was late in the day, Max and I were walking along this small path that runs parallel to Wilshire Blvd, and had sort of just come around this little bend. Ahead of us, no more than 10 feet away, were these two bushes - one on either side of the path. There were also some trees, so this area was a little shady. Anyway, suddenly, I saw a couple squirrel-esque animals dart across this path, running back and forth between the bushes. And I realized in a matter of seconds, that they were RATS!!! Not squirrels. RATS!!! IN BROAD DAYLIGHT!!! But the freaky thing was, all of sudden, five or six more came running out the bushes. They paused, and then sat up on their hind legs, all in a row. Seriously - these rats stood up, and lined up next to each other on the pathway. Like soldiers or something. They sort of cocked their head from side to side. And then a few more came running out to join them. I, of course, screamed and ran straight to the car. For the record, Max was more or less right behind me.

Now for the why??? - Why did this happen??? Well, I have no idea why but there was a man who had bagpipes with him, in the park. Maybe there was some festival. Anyway, it was when he started playing the pipes that the rats came out. THE RATS WERE DRAWN TO THE SOUND OF THE BAGPIPES!!!

Freak-eee. There must be some truth to that whole pied piper story.

So anyway. Don't learn to play the bagpipes unless you want rats to come out and greet you.

IT'S SUNNY TODAY!!!

Oh glorious, glorious sun!!!

I feel like that tap-dancing lamb in the little animated pixar short that came before The Incredibles.

Actually got up and went to the gym this morning. You know, I really wish there was a drug that would make you feel the way you do after you exercise. Without the pain and discomfort of actually exercising. CUZ I FEEL AWESOME!!! I'd pay good money for a pill like that.

....tappetytaptaptaptappetytaptap....

Shark Bait

Watched OPEN WATER last night - the movie about the divers lost at sea. Eek. Am having serious seconds thoughts about the whole sailing in Greece idea...

One of these things is not like the others...Which is it???

Could not stop laughing when I saw this pic. This was taken at Max's family Christmas party. Honestly, I don't think anyone realized the seating arrangements would make it look like I was sitting smack-dab in the middle of a sea of white folks. And yeah, we're all wearing Xmas headgear. Feel free to write your own captions.

Weekend Recap

Rainy days and Mondays...

Okay. Enough with the rain. I like a little rain, here and there, to mix things up a bit, but when I can kayak to work it's too much. Besides, as I had mentioned, Pig hates the rain and walking her in it is just no fun.

So I had a very magical weekend. I finished reading "Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell," a fictional book about two magicians in the 1800's, which started and ended better than the middle part of the book. Also, we rented Harry Potter 3 last night. And I started my other new book "Eragon" which is also very magical. There's a dragon on the front cover. Okay, it's a kids book, but it supposed to be good. Also, I started "The Cat Who Can Read Backwards" which is apparently the first in a long series of mysteries. Max's grandma lent it to me. I'm not sure I'm going to like this series, because I really don't like cats, and if there's a talking cat in them, it's totally over for me, but I'm only in the second chapter so who knows? Might end up being okay. John Qwilleran is definitely no Agatha Raisin, but it's not bad so far.

You may not believe me, but once upon a time I did read "literature"...Really. Honest.

What else? Not much. Max spent the weekend watching football, as I read on the couch. Several months ago, before the start of the season, we wrote up our picks and put a bet on it. So far we're tied, but whoever loses has to be the other person's bitch for a day. Oh please please PLEASE let New England win the Superbowl!!!

Update on the Mouse House

Well, in case any one was feeling badly for poor Manuel, who had to come and check out my carpets well after apartment manager hours, I did buy him three lovely big tarts from Bristol Farms as a friendly thank-you gift. Three lovely big tarts as in individual sized fruit-topped baked goods, not as in three large breasted whorish women. Although perhaps that would have been to his liking as well.

Also, Max bought some plastic weatherstripping, which he is going to install. Install - is that the right word? I don't know. Apparently, he has to take the door off the hinges in order to do it, so it sounds like a big hassle, but he says it's no problem and he'll do it tonight. We'll see.

Pig's Eating Habits 2

So I was thinking over Pig's binges and decided to actually write them down. Each line lists what she ate in one binge:

-Entire package of beef jerky (14 oz) with the exception of the Do-Not-Eat silica gel thing
-Two packages of Butoni pasta, two packages of cheese, a package of roast beef, a bag of rolls
-A container of butter (actually she just licked it round and round but didn't eat the entire thing thank god), two individual sized applesauce containers, half a loaf of bread
-two boxes of raisins and five fortune cookies - ate only two of the actual slips
-a large package of hot chocolate mix that was hidden way in the back of my closet
-Gum - this is not quite a "binge" but she's eaten lots and lots of gum - L.A. street cleaning department should award her with a medal as honorary employee
-a package of instant oatmeal, a nutrigrain bar, and a fortune cookie (slip included)
-wax from a Mini Maybel cheese wedge
-half a candle

Things that she's had in her mouth, but did not actually eat, due to some swift maneuvering on my part:

-rotting fish head
-large dead squirrel (that was awful)
-Christmas tree ornament
-Thanksgiving turkey

I guess that's about all. Lots of other random stuff like used food napkins, pizza, bbq grill ash remains, and chicken bones found on the sidewalk (why??? who does this??? who eats chicken and then just throws the bones out of the car, presumably??) that totally send me in a state of panic but so far she's been okay. No stomach-pumping yet. Thank god.

Friday Friday Friday

Played poker last night. Suffered some pretty bad beats. Won't get into it - let's just say Josh and Max are on my shit list.

It's raining like crazy out here. I hate taking Pig out for a walk when it's raining. Pig hates it too. This morning, she tried to run back into the apartment. I think we'd both hate it less if I actually had an umbrella.

Is it just cuz I hate CNN or is the headline "Turning the Tide" (describing the tsunami cleaning up process) really as insensitive as I think it is? Because, personally, the alliteration and cute word play (TIDE - GET IT, TIDE????) seems really inappropriate when we're talking about a natural disaster that's killed at least 147,000 people so far. What's next - "Tsunny Days are Here Again?" Boo. That's what I think about CNN. BOOOOOOOOOO.

Bored at work. My eyes hurt. Two out of the three overhead lights in my office are doing that on-their-deathbed mad flickering thing, and I really suspect they're going to give me an epilleptic seizure. Even though I'm not epilleptic. Maybe I should stop staring at them. I think this is my boss' way of telling me to go home, by forcing me to sit in half darkness. Boo. That's what I think about these flickering lights. BOOOOOOOOOOO.

I'm going home.

Pig's Eating Habits

So, I've noticed that Pig is actually what they call in my Fitness magazine - "a stress eater." She totally binges when she's stressed out. Yesterday, after picking up Max, we went back to the apartment to get his car. We went upstairs and Pig was so excited to see her Uncle Max, but then we both had to leave again. Understandably, that was stressful - it was like everyone was back but then everyone was gone again and had left her behind. It drove her straight to the cabinet (and I know it was definitely shut tight cuz I was afraid this would happen and I had checked before I left) and she ate a package of instant oatmeal, a Nutrigrain bar, and a fortune cookie.

My dog has an eating disorder.

love is a dead rat with maggots

So here's the story Max wrote for me about the "Hood of the Car" incident. If I were you, I'd read my post first (below) and then read his, because you get a much better idea of how well he wrote this story. Or maybe I'm just a proud girlfriend. Anyway here it goes:

love is a dead rat with maggots

Infinite maudlin words have been used to describe what we humans call love… People allude to rainbows, moonlight, stardust, and other such ephemeral horse fodder, but for me this most sinister mistress is best embodied by the very tangible form of a dead rat, crawling with maggots. I did not draw this observation in a dream or in a fit of romantic passion, but through a very personal and traumatic experience, which made plain to me the inexplicable condition of love.

It was a hot summer night in Thai Town, the type of night when you want to dry out your eyeballs with one of those dental suction tools to keep them from boiling over. I was pan searing a can of Spam on my hardwood floor when the telephone rang. Ding-a-ling. It was Hiu Kay, this Oriental dish that had been on my menu several months now, the kind with three wasabi peppers next to her name, if you catch my drift. She had a set of pins on her that would drive a duck daffy, and a puss to match. “What’s the score, sugar,” I asked, flicking my Pall Mall at the cat who’d just appeared on the window sill. “Max, you have to come quick! There’s this huge rat on my car! This huge rat!” “Whoa, whoa, slow down, pussycat,” I answered. She sounded hysterical. “You just hold up there, lock the doors and windows and I’ll be over before you can spell Mickey Mouse.”

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E.

I could tell she was a wreck the second she opened the door; teeth chattering, clumps of hair lodged in her fists, face the color of spoiled milk… No point exchanging pleasantries here. “Pull yourself together, sugar,” I barked as I pushed past her into the apartment. As I made my way towards the living room I saw her roommate Kate standing at the kitchen counter holding a chigger of whiskey. She was hardly keeping together herself, and this was a broad who’d lost half her ear in a knife fight with a rabid circus monkey. I snatched the whiskey out of her hand, threw it down and poured myself another. “OK, so where is he?” I demanded. Huey just stood there looking nervous, until finally I had to give her a shake. “Goddamnit, I didn’t drive all the way over here just to babysit a couple of spooked hens, now where’s the rat!” “Max, you don’t understand,” she began, “it’s huge! It’s as big as a cat, and it’s stuck to the hood of my car!” A rat the size of a cat stuck to the hood of her car. I could just picture my beautiful Hui Kay driving through Beverly Hills with this humongous dead rodent splayed spread-eagle on her hood, tail pointing skyward with rigor mortis, whiskers twitching in the wind, blood baking on her windshield in the blazing sun. Fellow motorists’ would honk and she’d think someone was making a pass. She’d fix her hair and try to look coy, oblivious to the rotting carcass two feet from her face. Dames.

After giving the whiskey some time to seep into my blood, I grabbed a spatula and a plastic baggie and headed for the door. The girls eyed me like I was goofy… something was on their mind, but they were afraid to tell me. “Well Christ, spit it out,” I demanded. “You’re going to need a bigger spatula,” Huey finally told me. “And a bigger bag,” added Kate. I looked at the tools in my hand, surely ample enough for any normal size rat. Either this thing was a monster, or the women were exaggerating, as women often do. Huey was terrified of rodents, terrified like you or I would be terrified of an epileptic eye-surgeon. But Kate, on the other hand, wouldn’t sling this kind of barber. She was a real Newshawk, she’d covered the East L.A. beat during the bloody aftermath of the Villaraigosa candidacy. Not the type of dame to jaw on about fish stories. “A maggot stood up and waved at me,” she exclaimed. No, if it had been your average mouse she’d have taken care of it herself. The girls were on the square, and if that was the case I was going to need another sip of giggle juice. I was no daisy, but I wasn’t pest control either.

Two more stiff hookers of whiskey and I was ready to face the mouse. Instead of the spatula I now had a two-foot square of cardboard, and in place of the zip-lock I had a 5 gallon garbage bag… if that wasn’t big enough I’d have to get myself some slickers and a chainsaw. Huey gave me some hot mustard full on the lips and a braid of hair as I stalked off to meet my adversary. She also gave me two plastic baggies to wear over my hands – “mice carry disease, you know.”

I wasn’t exactly armed to the teeth, but I felt fairly confident as I descended the stairs into the parking garage for my date with Mickey – he was dead, after all. As soon as I was close enough to see the car I could see the rat, tail sticking straight up in the air just as I had imagined. Christ it was big… some rats eat cheese, this one ate cows. Right away I knew I was under-equipped. What I needed was a snow shovel and wood chopper, but I would have to work with what I had.

The rat was laying face down on the passenger side of the hood, right up by the windshield; in fact, bits of it were on the windshield. There was no question this rodent had had its final curtain pulled. Besides the blood and the stiff tail, it was crawling with maggots; big, bloated maggots who’d been feeding well all day and hadn’t made a dent. Kate wasn’t joking when she said one had waved at her. The fat little insects had gone over the edge with the rams, they were lit up on mouse flesh and only too happy to greet any visitors who had come to join the feast. I wasn’t interested in this dinner party, the meat was undercooked and the company was low class. It was dirty business, but good pay if you’re counting in the currency of female affection, and so I set to my work.

The first thing I had to do was slide the cardboard underneath it, no easy task as my little friend had been baked to the roof like he was made out of tar. I pushed it and angled it and tried different spots, but the rat wouldn’t budge. As distasteful as it was, I had no choice but to lift it up by the tail… Huey was right about the plastic baggies on my hands after all. At first I tried to just squeeze it with two fingers, but it was like trying to pick up a wet banana with chopsticks dipped in Vaseline. Finally I had to just suck it up and grab it with my fist. It felt warm from the sun and for a second I thought I saw the rat twitch, though it was just the movement of maggots through its innards. I pulled it up and the body peeled off the hood like a three-day-old Band-Aid, leaving behind dried blood, tufts of fur, and scores of angry maggots. Even in death the rat looked fearsome, like it could whip around and sink its pointy teeth into me at any moment. Quickly, I slid the cardboard under the heavy beast and deposited it into the bag before those terrible parasites could crawl up it’s tail and start feasting on me. I scraped off what I could from the car into the bag and pulled tight the drawstring. The smell nearly knocked me silly, and had I wound up horizontal the maggots would surely have eaten me. As fast as I could I ran to the dumpster and disposed of mister whiskers.

When I got back up to the apartment the first thing I did was head to the bathroom and attempt to puke up my guts, though they refused to relinquish the dead rat I felt crawling around in my belly. I could feel his dead flesh all over me, I scrubbed my hands, I washed my face, I even brushed my teeth. When I opened the bathroom door I was ready to make a bee-line for the nearest gin mill and forget this ever happened, but there she stood, my beautiful Hiu Kay, waiting for me with a full glass of hootch. The curve of her lips, the nape of her delicate neck, the way the light reflected in her eyes. She was soft, but brassy; silly, but smart; beautiful, but kind, and a score of other things that dead rats most definitely are not. This was the reason I’d wrapped my fingers around that stiff tail, braved the maggots, sniffed that rancid flesh. She had to be some tomato to get an egg like me to do a thing like that, and so while some people may think of love in terms of sparkling stars and budding roses, for me it will always be a dead rat with maggots.

Hood of the Car Story

Okay, since you guys requested, I'm going to post the "Hood of the Car" story. If you've heard it before, well, there's not much I can do about it. It's really best told in person, especially if Kate and Max are around cuz they can chime in and add their perspectives so you really get the full picture, a la "Rashomon." Actually, Max did write his version down as a hard-boiled detective story (I think it was one of my Valentine's gifts one year) so I'll post that next. And maybe Kate will humor us and post her version under comments. Anyway here it goes:

It was a really nice sunny day and I had just left a bbq at my friend's house. Got in the car, drove back home. I got a few honks on the way back but I figured whoever honked just thought I was cute (of course), right? As if THAT'S gonna get my attention...(tossing my imaginary Pantene-like hair back)...whatever, dude. So anyway, I pulled into my parking garage, reversed into my space, and turned off the engine. A few neighbors were standing there, unloading their trunks. I noticed that they were staring at the hood of my car, so I looked to see what they were looking at it. There was a gray mashy pile of something right on the hood, in front of the passenger seat. I immediately assumed a baby bird must have fallen out of tree and hit the car while I was at the bbq. I was pretty grossed out but not nearly as grossed out as my neighbors, who were making really really grossed out faces at me. You know - noses wrinkled, eyes squinted, mouths in a grimace - universal for - "Ewwwww...that is some NASTY shit." So, embarassed, I made the same face back at them, rolled down the window and sheepishly asked, "Ugh...what is that???" Bearing in mind that they were Russian, their answer sounded a lot like "RUT!!! A DEAD RUT!!! IT'S A DEAD RUT!!!"

Okay.

Let me just explain something about me. When faced with an emergency situation, I will either overreact extremely, as in the case of the Mouse House story below, or I will totally bury my head in the sand and embrace denial like it's my long lost best friend.

So I shouted back "A BABY BIRD? YOU MEAN, A BABY BIRD???" They shouted back, "NO, A RUT!!!" And I was like, "What? A BABY BIRD!" And they were like "NO A RUT!!" and then they charaded for minute, making rodent gestures, until I screamed, horrified, as it finally sunk in, "A RAT!!!!????? YOU MEAN A RAT!!!!????" I immediately rolled up the window and resisted the urge to crawl into the back seat, far far away from the rat, which was really in no condition to suddenly rise up and come near me. After a few seconds, I figured I had to get back in my apartment so I ran out of the car, ran straight into my apartment, threw open the door, and screamed to Kate (my roommate at the time) "THERE'S A DEAD RAT ON THE HOOD OF MY CAR!!!"

So Kate, being the awesome friend that she is and the second Best Person of the Year 2001 (top honors going to Max that year), told me she would go clean it up for me. So I watched her roll up her sleeves, grab a large plastic bag and head out the door. I watched anxiously by the window as she walked down the stairs and turned down into the garage, and waited for her return. Several minutes later, a really repulsed Kate came back with the garbage bag - empty and unused. She spotted me in the window and shouted up "Oh god. I can't do it!! It's so nasty!!! A MAGGOT CRAWLED OUT OF IT AND WAVED AT ME!!"

Apparently this was one very very dead rat.

So we both sat around recovering, trying to figure out what to do when I decided to call Max. I think that when this happened, we had only been dating for a few months. Max agreed to come to our rescue immediately. We waited anxiously for him to get here and when he did, we made him a really really strong drink before sending him down to the garage.

And I'm happy to say he did take care of it for me. He got a piece of cardboard, scraped the rat off the hood and threw it away. Incidentally, he told me that the rat was not only super dead, but had sizzled on the hood of the car (remember, it was a really nice sunny day) so there was still an imprint of it left on the hood. So he went back down and cleaned the entire hood and windshield (there were actually bloody tufts of fur that had splattered and attached itself to the windshield - entirely unbeknownst to me) so that when I finally ventured to go back downstairs, well after I made him wash his hands a million times (even though I think I gave him dishwashing gloves), there was absolutely no trace of dead rat anywhere.

So that is one of the numerous reasons why I love my boyfriend.

Lesson to be learned from this story:

If someone honks at you, maybe it's not because they think you're cute - maybe they're trying to tell you you're driving around L.A. with a dead rat on the hood of your car.

Mouse House

Ever since I've been back, Pig has been sniffing like crazy right outside my apartment's front door. There are a bunch of carpets and rugs there and she just goes nuts. Squirrel nuts. As in, the way she is when she's tracking squirrels. I was a little nervous about it and it did occur to me that maybe there was a dead mouse underneath all the layers, but I had sort of viciously stomped around and didn't feel anything. Last night, Pig actually tried to dig up the layers of the carpet so I decided to call Kate. I thought maybe she had spilled food there or something? And what she had to tell me nearly kept me up all night.

So this is an edited version of the convo, as far as I can remember, although I was pretty much in a state of panic so if I've gotten this wrong, Kate, feel free to correct me:

S: So, Kate, did you notice if Pig was sniffing around the front door?
K: Oh no. (pause) Oh Sareet. (sighs)
S: What???
K: Dammit, I can't believe she's still sniffing there!
S: What??? What is it???
K: You're not going to like this. You're NOT going to like this. I wasn't going to tell you...
S: Oh my god. What is it? Was there a mouse???
K: Well...
S: OH MY GOD!!! WAS THERE A MOUSE IN HERE??? (scream/squeal - hereinafter "screal") THERE WAS A MOUSE IN HERE!! OH MY GOD (immediately climbing up on the coffee table) WAS THERE A MOUSE IN HERE??? (screal)
K: No...No. It wasn't in the apartment.
S: (SCREAL - into my pajama collar)
K: It happened the day you got here.
S: (SCREAL - into my pajama collar)
K: Pig was acting all crazy up at the top of the stairs on our way back from our walk. I really had to fight to get her back in the apartment.
S: (SCREAL)
K: And then she kept whimpering and crying at the door. She even ran into the kitchen trying to get at it from the other side.
S: (SCREAL)
K: So I finally got her in the bedroom and went out to investigate.
S: Oh my god. (SCREAL)
K: And there was this LUMP. I honestly just thought it was a fold in the carpet.
S: (SCREAL - SCREAL - SCREAL while irrationally stomping my feet on the coffee table and looking to see where I could climb up higher)
K: So I lifted up the carpet....
S: (Whimpery SCREAL)
K: And this large mouse ran out from under the carpets and scampered down the stairs!!!
S: (SCREAL - scrambling to find higher ground) OH MY GOD!!! WHAT IF IT'S IN HERE????
K: No, it left! It was gimpy, like it had a broken leg or something. Maybe I stepped on it.
S: IT COULD HAVE COME BACK!!! OR MAYBE THERE'S A MOUSE HOLE OUTSIDE MY DOOR!! (SCREAL) THERE COULD MORE OUT THERE!!! OR IN HERE!!! MAYBE THERE'S ANOTHER ONE IN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!
K: No. You'd know if one was in there. Pig would go crazy. Besides how would it get in?
S: Under the front door. There's totally space. It could squeeze through. (SCREAL)
K: Nah.
S: Yeah, it could. I know. It could totally fit underneath the door.
K: Nah. (pause) I highly doubt this one could fit underneath the door. (read: It was a gi-normous rat!!!) The thing is, I really don't know how it got there. It's a dumb place for a mouse.
S: Mouse hole. Maybe there's a mouse hole. Maybe there's a mouse outside right now. Oh my god, I'm never leaving the apartment. I can't open my door now.
K: Well when is Max back, maybe he can check for you?
S: Tomorrow. I won't be able to leave to pick him up from the airport either. I can't open my door now.
K: Hmm.... (probably hoping that I'm not suddenly going to ask her to come check the carpets for me now)
S: I know. I'm going to call Manuel. (the apt manager) It's not too late, is it?
K: It's totally not too late.

Incidentally it's totally too late - 8 p.m. - definitely not apartment manager hours...

S: Okay. I can't talk anymore. I have to call Manuel. Right now. Before it gets too late.

So I call Manuel who can't figure out who I am at first but finally says he'll come look. I wait, still standing on the coffee table until I hear a knock. He's there with a flashlight and his daughter. He tells me there's no mouse out there now. I explain but there was one. He says but it's not there now. And I say, maybe there's a mousehole. And he says no, there's no mousehole - see? And there's no mousehole. He says, maybe you saw this little fluff of fur (probably from the dogs and hopefuly not from the mouse) And I say, no, there was definitely a mouse. A large mouse. So he says, no there's no mouse. No droppings. No mouse. See? (Waves flashlight) No droppings. No mouse. Maybe it was a big cockroach? And I say, no it was not a big cockroach, she saw a mouse. He says, confused, who saw a mouse? I tell him my friend saw a large gray mouse. He asks, peering into my apartment and seeing no one, when? And I reply - two days ago. Then it dawns on him that I'm crazy and he's just been called out to look at some carpet where there might have been a mouse...two days ago. So I explain to him that I'm really afraid of mice. And he nods. And he says something about how the rain makes animals come in. And I just tell him, I really hate those pieces of carpet now, can he just pull them away for me? He looks at me like I'm crazy, since really, there's no reason to pull the carpets away (BUT THERE IS - WHAT IF ANOTHER ONE HIDES THERE??? WHAT IF I SEE A "LUMP"???) and also, it's really not his job to, I should just throw the carpets out myself, but instead, (and i think he might have noticed the hysterical pleading look in my eyes) he says something to his daughter in Portugese and she takes them away. And then they say good night and I hear her laughing all the way down the stairs.

So after all that, I had to vaccuum the doorway of the apartment, to get rid of the mouse germs. Then I had to wipe Pig's face with a hot towel...to get rid of the mouse germs. And then I was going to duct tape the little space underneath the door, but was afraid the tape would pull off the paint so instead I lined a large box, two yellow-pages, and terrible hardcover John Grisham novel in the doorway. And then I called Max, left him a hysterical message asking him to call me when he got the message. Which he did. Apparently I woke him up, and he thought I was in trouble or something so he was relieved I was okay but not quite as sympathetic as I hoped he'd be. He pointed out that I myself did not even see a mouse but only heard about someone seeing a mouse, but he said he would look at doorway when he got back and would make it somehow un-enterable for mice.

Oh, the horror....the horror....

Hair Products

So I was washing my hair this morning, with this super expensive shampoo ("super expensive" relative to the giant Citre Shine bottles I normally buy at Costco) that my hair stylist had guilted me into buying when I noticed what it actually says on the bottle:

Strengthens and protects your hair structure. With ApHinity technology: active ingredients [+] sense damaged zones [-]. Intelligently targets and delivers instant magnet-like hair care. Salon exclusive.

HUH???? "ApHinity" technology???? "Intelligently targets?????" "Magnet-like hair care????"

What the hell is "magnet-like hair care?????"

I am so going back to the Citre Shine.

Greece Sailing Trip

So my friend Mary Jane is planning a Greece sailing trip in July. Apparently she's done it before, had a great time and is doing it again, through the same charter company. I am seriously thinking about it. How cool would that be? Apparently, you sleep on the yacht, dock at various islands and hang out. There's a skipper, so you don't have to actually know how to sail. And she says the food is cheap so you can either buy food at the little markets on the island and cook on the yacht, or eat at the local restaurants. She says the entire trip will cost around $1000 - airfare, yacht and food included. Which is totally not bad at all.

Dude, I could be sailing in Greece this summer!!!! Imagine it - me in a cute sailing outfit, wind running through my hair, beaming at the sky, big sun glasses - wait, that's Jackie O. But still, it would be really cool.

She's looking for more people to come - the more people who come, the less it'll cost per person, so if you're reading this, and I actually know you, you should think about it! If I don't actually know you and you are a random blog reader, than probably not a good idea. Unless you are really cool. And not a serial killer.

Back to work

So I got back to L.A. yesterday and it's so lovely and warm to be back here. Kate was kind enough to pick me up from the airport, and help me haul the luggage up to my apartment so she is the current Best Person in the World 2005. Pig is sooo cute and is fine. Two eyes, four legs, and lots of spots. The travelling back was uneventful, except I did spend nearly half an hour in the bathroom at the Detroit airport. See, I was trying to use the paper seat covers but since I'm kind of nutty, I like to use three seat covers at once - I spread them out so that with all the over-lapping there's no chance that when I sit down, it accidentally shifts and I get syphillis. Or that the syphillis seeps through one and attaches itself to me - thus the tripling in the primary usage area of the seat. So I would lay down one, and then reach for the second one, but then the automatic toilet would flush, sending the first one down the drain. So then I'd have to put down one again, and reach for the second one, and then it'd flush again. I must have flushed the toilet at least twenty times, meanwhile freaking out about the microscopic pieces of shit that fly through the air everytime you flush a toilet. (totally true - which is why you should keep your toothbrush in your medicine cabinet) Then FINALLY it occured to me that I could just pull all three paper covers out, arrange them, and then lay them down all together. And then it turned out to be a "false alarm" so really, I spent all this time in the bathroom, getting microscopic shit and bacteria misted all over my body, for nothing.

So, I actually made it to the gym this morning. And it sucked. I haven't gone to the gym in over 6 months so it was really awful today. I did some running on the treadmill, and some weights. I have pilates tomorrow but I need to buy a mat today because I really don't want to risk getting plantar's warts on my face. Maybe I'll just lay down a full-sized beach towel instead of going to Target. Yeah, that sounds good.

I've done fairly well with most of my resolutions, except for the one about less t.v. There were like four back-to-back episodes of L&O on TNT last night and I just couldn't resist. Speaking of L&O, I am so sad about Jerry Orbach...I can't believe he's gone. But he lives in my heart forever... and on TNT forever... so here's to you, Lenny Briscoe...

PIG HAS TWO EYES!!!!

YAY!!!! What a good way to start the new year!!!!!